Why the Nervous System Matters in Parenting
Parenting in today’s world is often chaotic, overstimulating, and emotionally demanding, but one of the most powerful tools to help us navigate it all lies within us—our nervous system.
In Episode 11: Parenting and the Nervous System: How to Stay Regulated and Connected of Breathe, Laugh, Parent — The Shine Om Podcast, we explore how the nervous system affects our ability to connect with our children, manage stress, and present ourselves with flexibility in moments of chaos or calm.
When we understand our patterns of stress, reaction, and regulation, we unlock more connection, resilience, and ease in parenting.
Table of Contents
What Is the Nervous System and Why Should Parents Care?
Your nervous system is your body’s built-in stress response mechanism. It determines how you react under pressure, whether you’re stuck in “fight or flight” or able to stay present.
When you’re dysregulated, small triggers can feel overwhelming. You might snap, shut down, or withdraw. And because children “catch” our emotional states (a phenomenon known as emotional contagion), your stress can quickly become theirs.
This is where self-regulation and co-regulation become essential tools for effective parenting.
Emotional Regulation and Co-Regulation
Research shows that when caregivers self-regulate, they send powerful cues of safety to their children.
Emotional contagion means that your nervous system becomes the model for theirs.
Co-regulation is the process by which we help our children regulate their emotions through our presence, body language, and tone.
When we breathe deeply, soften our voice, or pause before reacting, we’re not just calming ourselves; we’re shaping our child’s emotional development.
Understanding Upregulation and Downregulation in the Nervous System
One of the most potent tools in calm parenting is learning how to tune into your nervous system’s needs—and support yourself through either upregulation or downregulation. These terms may sound technical, but they describe a simple yet profound truth: your body requires different types of support depending on its current state.
What Is Upregulation?
Upregulation helps to increase energy and engagement, especially when you’re feeling flat, unmotivated, or emotionally shut down. This often happens when we’re stuck in a freeze or fawn response, common after burnout, chronic stress, or postpartum depletion.
You might need upregulation if you notice:
- You feel emotionally numb or distant
- It’s hard to get moving or motivated
- You’re zoning out, dissociating, or stuck in fatigue
- You’re withdrawing from your family or responsibilities
Gentle upregulation strategies can include:
- Walking outdoors and noticing your surroundings (sight, sound, touch)
- Dancing, shaking out your body, or doing jumping jacks
- Playing upbeat music that makes you want to move
- Splashing your face with cold water or taking a cool shower
- Calling a friend or laughing with your kids
- Sipping peppermint tea or using energising essential oils like lemon or rosemary
The goal of upregulation is to gently awaken your system, not overwhelm it. Even five minutes of intentional activation can help you reconnect and re-engage.
What Is Downregulation?
Downregulation helps to calm and soothe the nervous system, especially when you’re feeling anxious, irritable, overstimulated, or reactive. This is the “fight or flight” state, where your body is flooded with stress hormones and everything feels urgent.
You might need downregulation if you notice:
- You’re snapping at your kids or partner
- You feel constantly “on edge” or wired
- Your heart rate is elevated, and your breath is shallow
- Loud noises or clutter are overwhelming
- You feel like you can’t slow down or rest
Supportive downregulation practices include:
- Deep belly breathing (inhale for 4, exhale for 6–8)
- Humming, sighing, or gently rocking your body
- Using calming essential oils like Shine Om Natural’s award-winning Calm the Farm, lavender or chamomile
- Wrapping yourself in a warm blanket or weighted throw
- Mindful touch (like placing a hand on your chest or heart)
- Creating a quiet corner with dim lights and soft textures
These practices signal to your brain that it’s safe to slow down. Over time, downregulation helps build nervous system resilience, allowing you to stay more grounded in the face of daily parenting challenges.
Why This Matters for Parenting
Understanding when to upregulate or downregulate helps you respond to your needs rather than react to stress. When you’re dysregulated, it’s almost impossible to offer calm, consistent parenting. But when you care for your nervous system, you create a ripple effect of safety and connection for your children.
The more you practice tuning in and responding with intention, the more your home becomes a space of co-regulation, emotional intelligence, and compassionate connection.
Breathwork: Your Everyday Parenting Reset
Your breath is a free, always-accessible reset tool. Even one mindful breath can activate your parasympathetic nervous system (your “rest and digest” state), meaning you will be more flexible with whatever parenting throws at you.
Try this pattern:
Inhale for 4 – Hold for 2 – Exhale for 6
Repeat three times during stressful moments or transitions.
This simple tool is a core pillar of nervous system regulation, offering profound benefits for both you and your children.
Mindful Moment Practice
In this episode, I guide you through a calming breath practice to:
- Name the emotion you’re feeling
- Locate it in your body
- Breathe into that space
- Let it soften and move through you
This builds your emotional fluency and models a beautiful tool for your children.
Download the Mindful Child Toolkit
Want a printable resource with tools you can use right away?
Get the Mindful Child Toolkit—a beautifully designed PDF filled with:
- Breath practices
- Up/downregulation activities
- Co-regulation rituals
- Guided audio links
- Joyful, mindful routines
👉 Download now at shineom.com.au/toolkit
When to Get Help
Parenting through dysregulation can feel isolating. Please remember, you are not alone.
Support is available:
- PANDA – 1300 726 306
- Gidget Foundation – gidgetfoundation.org.au
- Beyond Blue – 1300 22 4636
- Lifeline – 13 11 14
- Parentline – 1300 30 1300 (QLD/NT), 13 22 89 (VIC)
Final Reflections
You’re not a “bad parent.” In the moments you are considering these words, you are likely a dysregulated one, and that can change.
By learning the language of your nervous system, choosing breath over reaction, and creating space for presence, you begin to shift the entire energy of your home.
And as you do, you teach your child one of the most powerful lessons of all: that flexibility to respond lives inside them too.
🎧 Listen to Episode 11 of Breathe, Laugh, Parent — The Shine Om Podcast
Find it on YouTube, Spotify, Amazon Music/Audible, Apple Podcasts or at shineom.com.au/podcast
